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“6 Dos and 6 Don’ts to Create a Relationship
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The NEW part 1 of 6 Do’s and 6 Don’ts To Create A Relationship That’s Fun and Easy teleclass is available. We actually had so much fun and covered so many topics, that we created Part 2 (see the Post below).
Are your relationships all that you’d like them to be?
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have not been seen in public together in a month, and she recently moved to New York while he continues to live in LA.
Is anyone surprised this marriage is ending? Here’s a tool: when you notice a relationship going sour, you can create more awareness for yourself by asking yourself this question: What did I deny I knew or pretend not to know when I entered this relationship? (This same question applies to any other situation that you create in your life.)
I do not personally know either of these stars. Everything below is based on what I have read about them in a variety of different media over the years.
Tom is an avowed Scientologist. This is a cult which preys on celebrities and others. They have a way of discovering career-ruining information about their star members, which allows them to control these celebrities and keep them from ever leaving their cult.
Be that as it may, Katie knew that Tom was a Scientologist when she married him. There were many reports that she tried to conform to his thinking in this way and the Woman’s Day article in front of me reports they even participated in Scientology marriage counseling in November, albeit unsuccessfully.
One of the 6 Dos in my list of 6 Dos and 6 Don’ts to Create a Relationship that’s Easy and Fun is to look at the person you’re with, not who you wish you were with. Now the money, apparent sexiness, and star quality of Tom Cruise may have been blinding–not hard to understand given that Katie was no more than 27 when they got together.
But believing a relationship with someone committed to a cult or a religion, any religion, that isn’t also near and dear to your own heart is dangerous territory. This is especially true of something as controlling as Scientology.
Was Katie like the ingenue who married the alcoholic, telling herself, “I know he drinks a bit, but I know that he loves me and he’ll change once we’re married.” That is blind faith. That is lying to yourself that everything will work out as you want it to just because you want it to. It’s not allowance, looking at what is really occurring.
Did she decide that all the glamour meant they were “meant to be together” despite everything? I would say, “WHO meant you to be together?” God? Scientology? Tom? Your sex hormones?
For a relationship to be successful, each person has to be willing to be themselves within it. Tom was going to continue to be Tom, which is going to include Scientology as long as he chooses it. If that was not something Katie was prepared to live with, she could have saved herself a lot of pain by being honest with herself about that. Again, not to blame her–the star quality and glamour can be so seductive, especially to an aspiring actress at a young age.
But this blog is to contribute to you. What can YOU learn from her mistakes? What do you know that you’re pretending not to know or denying that you know, in your relationships or any area of your life?
As Katie’s example demonstrates so poignantly, this denial only causes pain in the end. The willingness to be honest with yourself in the present can prevent a lot of pain in the future. The choice is yours…..
The Air New Zealand lounge here in the Auckland airport has provided me with all the latest celebrity gossip! Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, Brad and Angelina, how did we all get so lucky as to watch these soap opera lives unfolding?
What did Angelina Jolie do wrong? She didn’t do anything wrong–she is an infinite being as we all are, and everything we do contributes to greater consciousness if we’re willing to have it. Her actions on the red carpet at the Golden Globes give us all something to learn from, a way to apply the 6 Dos and 6 Don’ts to Create a Relationship that’s Easy and Fun.
In case you missed it in your personal perusal of the gossip mags, here’s what happened. The headline in the NZ mag Woman’s Day headlined the event: Brad Deserts Ange; On a Disappointing Night, the Actress was Left Stranded.
Here’s the “big event”: in front of world-wide cameras, Brad left Angie’s side and went to say hello to his friend David Duchovny (of X-files fame). The actress was left standing on the red carpet all alone. According to Woman’s Day she “floundered, shot him a furious look, and finally tapped him on the shoulder to remind him she was there.”
Shocking! Scandalous! How could he do that to her? What’s wrong with this picture?
Let’s look again at what happened–her husband went to greet his friend while TV cameras recorded it. If you went into a party and your wife or husband saw an old friend and went to greet him, would you throw a tantrum? What was she so angry about anyway? Brad’s failure to make her his top priority 24/7? His allowing her to appear on TV looking less than perfect. (Well, she still looked “positively regal” according to Woman’s Day, but having some air space between her and her husband apparently did not portray the image of the perfect couple that Angie requires to project 24/7.)
In my book The Little Black Book on Relationships, I include 6 things to do to make your relationship easy and fun, and 6 things not to do. I call them, curiously enough, 6 Dos and 6 Don’ts. Do # 1 is :remember everything your partner does is just an interesting point of view. What if Brad greeting his friend David Duchovny was no comment whatsoever on Angelina, but merely an expression of his caring for his friend? Following this “do” eliminates any argument along the lines of, “I can’t believe he/she did this TO ME!” It’s never TO YOU! What if it was always FOR HIM? Or FOR HER? That simple.
Radically different from the way things are seen all too frequently, but it’s the only basis on which a relationship can work that allows both individuals to be themselves. (Do you really desire anything else? What is the value of giving up yourself to be in relationship? Giving up yourself is a relationship don’t, by the way.)
If you give yourself up to be in relationship, is that really giving you what you’ve been looking for in relationship? Isn’t what people are looking for in relationship a place where they can truly be themselves. I’m home, I have a relationship, but I can’t be myself–what good is that?
If you react to what your partner does, if you take who they are personally, you are forcing them to choose between being themselves and being with you. Eventually they will leave you, either through divorce, choosing a debilitating or fatal disease, or some other way out.
Many women make the assumption that they are the center of the relationship and that men should make the sacrifice to meet their every whim. Clearly in this situation that included Angelina Jolie. There does seem to be a trend in our society for everyone to believe the man should give himself up totally for the woman. One person who takes exception to this is Gary Douglas, founder of Access Consciousness and best-selling author, who just conducted a seminar in Australia, called “The Gentleman’s Club.” This will soon be available for purchase from the Access Consciousness website. I urge all men who have any doubt that Brad had a right to greet his friend to consider purchasing this videotaped seminar as it can change your life. Here’s the link. My husband attended, and we already have a good relationship! He said much of what occurred he already knows–but all the other men who attended were “gobsmacked” with the new way of looking at relationships.
A single woman who observed some men who had completed the program noticed how soft and gentle the men became–when they were encouraged not to give up themselves, they could be more gentle with women and with themselves. Everything in my book encourages women AND men to be themselves in relationships–which also generates more ease for everyone.
You can subscribe to my newsletter from this website, and get the latest research on relationships, tips for making yours work, and special deals on my teleclasses.
Sometimes a comedian can see and say more than the rest of us.
Men and women ARE different. Learning about those differences and how to use them to our advantage can make relationships SOOOOOO much easier and more fun! There are several chapters about this in The Little Black Book On Relationships, available here and on amazon.com as well as the access consciousness website (www.tipsfromkacie.com)
Les Barres – 20 February 2012 – Paris, France
Dans cette classe d’une journée.
Register pour classe de Paris
Vous êtes invités à assister à un live, “Barres d’accès» de classe. Dans cette classe d’une journée,
vous apprendrez Barres d’accès avec la facilité totale. Chaque cours comprend:
l’encadrement par un Facilitateur Certifié des Barres (BF) ou un Facilitateur Certifié d’Access Consciousness (CF). Affichage “Accès Le Bars” DVD où le fondateur, Gary Douglas démontre personnellement technique vous, Bars recevoir deux fois et vous, la course Barres d’une autre personne à deux reprises
La première classe dans Access est les Barres. L’objectif des Barres est de montrer aux gens qu’ils peuvent réellement s’allonger là et recevoir. Faire une séance de Barres, c’est-à-dire avoir les 32 points sur votre tête touchés en douceur, relâche facilement et sans effort tout ce qui ne vous permet
pas de recevoir. « Recevoir » ça ne se fait pas sur cette planète. « Faire, faire, faire pour vous assurer que vous n’avez pas à recevoir » est comment la plupart des gens vivent leur vie.
Cela doit changer. Vous devez être disposé à recevoir si vous voulez avoir la vie que vous désirez vraiment. Chaque séance de Barres relâche de 5 à 10 mille ans de limitations dans le domaine de votre vie qui correspond à la Barre touchée. Il s’agit d’un processus incroyablement nourrissant et relaxant,
qui défait sans effort les limitations dans tous les aspects de votre vie. Au pire vous vous sentez comme si vous veniez de recevoir le meilleur massage de votre vie.
Au mieux, toute votre vie peut changer, avec une aisance totale, en quelque chose de mieux.
How Does It Get Any Better Than This? What Else Is Possible?
Here’s a fresh look at sexual stereotypes from a 3 year old:
I recently sublet one of the two treatment rooms in my office to a woman who is totally into sharing.
Now “Don’t share your feelings” is one of my 6 Don’ts to create a relationship that’s easy and fun. It is, hands down, the item that I get the most comments about, questions about, and resistance to.
When I wrote that particular “don’t,” my emphasis was on the feelings aspect of it. I was referring to that eternal quest of so many women to find that man they could truly share their all-valuable feelings with. That’s a topic for another whole share, or perhaps a whole different book. Suffice to say the emphasis on feelings was to make women look at the fact that men function from a different place than women do.
Because so many women do value their feelings and feel they are “who they are,” they assume that men are the same and value feelings also. This is not the case, and assuming it is does a disservice to both sexes. As Lou Ann Brizendine pointed out in The Male Brain, men are not wired neurologically or chemically to process feelings. Their way of dealing with things is to fix them, which is not what women are looking for. Is it really a kindness to ask them to do something for which they are unprepared and unsuited?
How many of you, when viewing a beautiful sunset, only find it valuable if you can call up someone to share it with? Would you consider how much you are invalidating yourself in this point of view? What about considering that you alone viewing the sunset and being awed by its beauty was sufficient? Why do you require someone else’s validation for that awareness to be valuable?
Ironically, when you have to validate your perceiving with someone else’s “sharing” it, you are moving from perception into judgment, which is a constant invalidation of you and your perceiving, knowing, being and receiving. This movement from pure perceiving, which is what an infinite being does, into judgment, which always limits what you can perceive know be and receive, occurs because perceptions are like the wind. They last 10 seconds or less and change with the wind. It’s not actually possible to fix a perception in space, and attempting to do so solidifies it into a judgment.
I do not know this woman’s relationship history, except to know that she is now a single mother of 3 daughters and had a boyfriend who stole valuable professional equipment from her. I suspect that her points of view on sharing had much to do with the demise of her past relationships.
So what’s so sticky about sharing? I got that it was important and valuable to this woman. I knew it would be an issue that I had to deal with if she was going to be my tenant. So I started to look at it and ask questions about it. My working definition of sharing was that it reflects the point of view that, “What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine, also.” Right after renting to her, I discovered that in addition to the room she rented, she was making plans to redecorate our common reception area, use my personal desk, and even use my own treatment room when I wasn’t around. It seemed that my working definition turned out to be rather accurate.
Her proposal was to use my desk for some diagnostic equipment that I could share. What was interesting is this was the second time in two brief meetings that she had mentioned my sharing her equipment, on the assumption that I would find it valuable. What was interesting about this is that I noticed there was no question in her universe. She valued the equipment, so of course I would too. The possibility that I could have a point of view about the equipment that differed from hers did not appear to have entered her universe.
In reality, the equipment is valuable when approaching chiropractic from a different philosophic and scientific viewpoint than I have, which makes it irrelevant to my practice. Furthermore, learning technology and software, though I can do it, is one of my least favorite things in the world to do. None of this makes either of us wrong or right—just different. But that difference was not acknowledged in her assumptions. She wasn’t required to know my points of view in advance, but asking what they were instead of assuming they were the same as hers would have acknowledged an equality and value to both of us that she did not.
Interestingly, while we were getting better acquainted, I discovered she had a piece of equipment that was a mate to one I had, along with a custom built rack that would house both of them. Her ex-boyfriend had taken the most vital part of the equipment, though she had the lesser piece. “Here you go, you can have the rack in your room,” she said instantly after learning I had the more useful piece.
Where did she fit in that equation? Where was the value to her in giving/loaning away the equipment she had in favor of creating a complete set in my office? Ironically this woman is devoted to her children and her patients, running around all day long to satisfy all of their needs without looking at all at her own requirements or even the value of her life.
While I am not a great fan of “boundaries,” it would seem you could say she was displaying a marked lack of them. I wonder if that is the lie underlying the concept of sharing—it’s a pretense that we are one, while ultimately denying the autonomy and value of one of the people involved in the interaction. We are one, and that one has the thoughts, feelings, emotions, needs, requirements, and wants that I have, is the automatic assumption.
Yet most everyone longs for a relationship, without looking at how much of themselves they would end up giving up if they actually found one. For more about this, you might wish to check out my friend Gary Douglas’s book, Divorceless Relationships available on his website. What would be a way of going about this which would create a different reality than sharing?
How about the word “contribution?” My dictionary defines it as a part played by a person in adding to or bringing about a result. Doesn’t that feel lighter than sharing? You can contribute to others WITHOUT giving up yourself.
How can you move from sharing to contributing? You could start by asking yourself, “Am I contributing here or am I sharing?” You could also ask if you’re taking into account the other person’s point of view, or merely assuming that it matches your own? If you’re considering their point of view (hint: have you asked them what it is?), then you are contributing. If you’re assuming it’s the same as yours—you’re sharing.
Moving from sharing to contributing can be a big step in shifting the relationships you have to ones in which both parties are acknowledged as valuable. Warning: this could be hazardous to your expectations and demands that everything go as you would like it to! But it could lead to the creating of a relationship which is functional and actually works!
The guy is a hunk. He’s 22 years old and can afford to pay for maids, cooks, and anything else he
and anyone around him desires. He’s in love with his girlfriend and committed to “making it
work.”
So why is the girlfriend, a “production assistant” in the movies, giving him an ultimatum?
She doesn’t like that he doesn’t cook and doesn’t clean up for himself. She’s convinced him
he’s not a “fully functioning human being” because he doesn’t do these things! My answer
would be yes, she is nuts!
She is violating two of the six relationship don’ts outlined in my book, The Little Black Book On
Relationships. Those don’ts are “Don’t Control Your Partner” and “Don’t Ask Your Partner to Change.”
David Caddy, my husband of 27 years, lists the fact that I never ask him to change him as the
#1 reason he’s stayed with me. You could call it loving the person you’re with for who they are,
not who you wish they were.
(By the way, that’s another do: Look at who you’re with, not who you wish you were with.)
Obviously, the girlriend of Daniel Ratcliffe (Harry Potter’s name in real life, ie the name
of the actor who’s playing him) apparently finds neatness around the house preferable
to the money, the looks, the possibilities that those looks and
wealth can provide for both their lives.
What I find most annoying about women with this attitude is their presumption that they
know better than their man how to be a man. Excuse me, who made you God? Isn’t there
intense superiority and judgment inherent in a woman’s knowing how a man should be?
When someone is judging you or being superior to you they have the probably unconscious
but nonetheless real for them point of view that they are better than you,
smarter than you, and otherwise superior to you. Is that a point of view anyone really
desires to live with?
I would say that Daniel Radcliffe’s girlfriend is judging that a tidy house–not only a tidy
house, that can be provided by hired staff–but a house kept to HER standards by Daniel
personally is more important than a relationship that works. Good luck, honey!
How about you? Where have you judged that your man or your woman must change? Would
you be willing to give that up now? Did you “fall in love” (a topic for another blog or two) with
them as they are, or as you would like them to be? If your answer is as they are, then why are
you trying to change them? If your answer is as you would like them to be, or as they would be
if they’d only be as great as you’ve judged they should be, then what is the value of living in a
fantasy rather than a reality?
When you have the point of view that someone would be “better” if only they’d ….(Fill in your
own blank here) can you really see the wonderfulness that that person is all the time? Are you not
placing a huge limitation on the joy and appreciation and gratitude that can be present in your
relationship if only you’d be present to receive it?
Check out this link: It’s the unique and indescribable group Pink Martini playing Bolero.
My husband David and I went to this concert, and we were lucky enough to get seats in the fourth
row. It was quite an intimate and enlightening experience. We could read the tattoo on the back
of the beautiful singer, Storm Large.
But what’s it doing on a relationships site?
It was a great illustration of how we are affected by energy flows, whether we’re aware of it or not.
And being aware of it can dramatically increase our choices and our success at having our choices
give us what we’re really looking for.
For most of the playing of Bolero, the trumpet player, with dazzlingly clean long long hair, stood
motionless on the side of the stage. Yet without even moving or even having the light on him,
he was the sexiest and most desirable person (of the men anyway) on the stage. Why?
Because he pulled WAAY more energy than anyone else on the stage. Pulling energy equals
what we call attraction.
Think about it. Isn’t it so in your own life? How often have you been attracted to someone.
You had to have them.They were irresistible. Perhaps you even “got” them. But how long
did it last? How good was the relationship really? Was there any give and take at all, or
was it all your giving and their taking? How could that happen with such
intense attraction? Why is attraction such a poor predictor of a relationship
that’s any good in the first place, let alone that lasts?
The anwer lies in that energy pulling. We like to have our energy pulled.
If you don’t know what that feels like,
watch Angelina Jolie in The Tourist. (Beautiful movie, beautiful setting,
silly plot, who cares?) There are several scenes where she strides down the
street in Venice and Paris. She seems nonchalant, but she is pulling energy
like crazy. I am a straight woman and I wanted her! It’s been said that
Madonna could suck the chrome off a 1958 Buick still in
1958. Angelina Jolie has got her beat!
During the playing of Bolero, the trumpet player was not even in the light.
But I noticed him anyway. That’s because he pulled energy more than
anyone else on the stage.
When I detached myself from the pull of that energy that we mis-identify
as sexual attraction, I looked at the energy of all the men on the stage.
Most of them had much more kindness in
their universes and more potential for a relationship than the trumpet player.
(Now unfortunately I don’t know any of them so I’m only speaking from my
perception of the energy.) Now I’m not shopping for a relationship so this
may seem irrelevant. I’m only doing it for the research–hopefully my efforts
will be educational for you all! I’m just suggesting that you look at the energy
before you make choices about who to get in relationship with.
What we call attraction is most often the description of someone who’s adept
at pulling energy, which feels good to us. All too often, those folks are great
at pulling energy, but that’s where their relationship skill stops. Their ability
to gift to the person they’re with can often be non-existent. They live for the
feeling of your energy flowed towards them. It’s like a drug for them. When our
energy is being pulled, it’s an enjoyable feeling–I enjoyed the trumpet player.
Just don’t confuse that feeling with relationship potential if a relationship
that involves BOTH of you receiving is what you have in mind.
In case you think this is just me blethering, there’s scientific research that
backs this up. “Being in love” is chemically and neurologically quite
similar to a major mental health crisis. “Romantic attraction activates
the parts of the brain with a high concentration of receptors for dopamine
the chemical messenger related to drug addictions, cravings, and
euphoria.” (from Tara Parker-Pope’s book, For Better: the Science of a
Good Marriage).
In case you don’t see a connection between longevity of the relationship
and this “chemical attraction”–you are an incurable romantic! The
statistics show it pretty much doesn’t happen.
There is one way to keep the romance going–do something new and
exciting with your partner every week. Not just comfortable and pleasurable
but new and different. That’s why we went to Pink Martini!
attraction”
Questions? Comments? I’d love to hear them. Comment here, or on my
facebook page, Relationships Made Easy.
If you like to hear about what I’ve found from research on relationships
and how it might help you find and keep love, you might wish to check
out Finding Mr.Wonderful and Keeping Him. It’s a four part series
that covers just that. You can download the first introductory class
here. The whole four part series is also for sale on this website.
What does romance mean to you?
My husband David and I just spent the night (just one, but we will be back) at the most romantic hotel on the coast of Costa Rica, near Manuel Antonio National Park. I decided to opt for an adventure so I clicked on the three star (in our minds it rated about 5) hotel there, and when I saw the pictures of where we were going, my jaw dropped. In the photos, wooden doors opening to a vista of tropical plants and flowers and trees, beyond which lay the Pacific Ocean.
In reality, it was even better! No other units were visible, the bed was scrumptious (that’s soft in my point of view) with high thread count sheets that were just delicious. On the bed was a heart formed from a hand towel, sprinkled with rose petals. Fresh flowers and ferns further decorated the bed. OMG!
You may be thinking, that sounds pretty romantic. I could get into that, if only I had someone to get into it with. But I haven’t found anyone to jet me away to such a spot yet…All of this could be true.
But would you like to know what romantic looks like after 27 years together? It’s NOT about giving me roses on our anniversary, or showering me with chocolates, or sacrificing himself for me in any way, or CONFORMING TO ANY OTHER NOTION I HAVE PRECONCEIVED about what romance is.
Here’s the definition from my computer’s dictionary:
A feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love; related to love especially in a sentimentalized or ideal way
From that definition which includes “mystery” how could that survive as you got to know the person? In looking for romance are you setting yourself up for the end of the relationship, because it must end as soon as the “mystery” disappears? And if you’re looking for romance, how much judgment do you have to have? Aren’t you constantly forced to evaluate whether your beloved and your relationship with him fit into your picture of what romance really is? And when he doesn’t–because, face it, NO ONE is going to fit 100% into your own personal movie–then what?
Here’s how I would describe the romance of that evening at Hotel Makanda (which I HIGHLY recommend by the way!).
We were totally enjoying being together. The beauty of the setting nourished us further. There was a sense of spaciousness within and around us in which the edges of us extended beyond us to encompass the rainforest around us, the ocean, and all of nature. There was a complete sense of peace in knowing each of us could be ourselves, whoever that self was in the moment. There was a sense of question: mostly, how could we make this even more fun? What else could we be or add? What could we do differently that would be even more exciting and/or enjoyable?
Other than encompassing the lovely nature around us, this description of romance is not dependent on any external circumstances. And we could just as easily have it in New York City sitting having a cup of coffee–it just would have lacked the wonderful bed and the beauty of nature around us. There are no formal requirements to fit into my idea of “romance”–just a feeling of space and allowance and gratitude at being together.
It is possible. You can have it. You might have to change a few points of view on what romance and relationship are, but everything in my website, my book The Little Black Book on Relationships, and my teleclasses also available on this site are designed to assist you in doing that, and even making it easy.
Did I tell you today is our 25th anniversary? (27 years together, 25 married). And David didn’t even give me roses!
But we are going out for a delicious Italian pastry and coffee before getting on the plane back “home.” How does it get even better than that?
Here’s a recent facebook post: Help, dealing with a dear soul (man) who for going on 3 days now hasn’t responded to any text or phone call…….left in the unknown, I keep trying to release, allow & maintain the higher dimension yet tears are coming now & I wish I knew what was going on……I feel it bringing me vibrationally down ….. Light please ….ahhhh. How can I see & feel thing differently???
Such a common source of angst…where do I begin to add some clarity here?
One of our 6 Do’s for a Relationship that’s Easy and Fun is to remember EVERYTHING your partner does is just an interesting point of view. What does that mean? It means he’s just being him for whatever reason. It could be he didn’t think of it, lost his cell phone, was temporarily drowned in a hurricane, or had something else happening in his life that had nothing to do with you. Imagine that!
I know of a woman who wrote a scathing email to a hot prospect because she emailed him and HE DID NOT RESPOND for 7 whole hours! Clearly he did not care about her. AFTER she wrote the scathing email that ended the relationship, she found out that he had been having dinner with his son to celebrate the son’s graduation. This same woman was probably looking for a man who was family oriented. Just an example….
Whatever anyone chooses to do, they are being them. If who they are is who you desire a relationship with, then why would you waste timing judging what their choice was? Is their job to live their live and have you as an addition to it, or is it for them to BE your life. Or more likely, for YOU to BE their life. It may be at the top of the list of what you desire, but I guarantee you would be so quickly bored with someone whose whole life revolved around you.
What makes you so insecure in your relationship that you have to have the constant assurance of someone calling you back? Was the time you had with him great fabulous terrific? If it was, and he doesn’t call back, is he smart and perceptive enough for you to waste your time on. If it wasn’t great together, then why the angst about why he doesn’t call you back?
Just an interesting way of looking at things that might cut out some of the tears, trauma and drama. If that would be of interest to you.
If you’d like a 2 hour crash course in all 6 Dos and 6 Don’ts then go to www.accessconsciousness.com/class_details.asp?cid=14100
It’s at 7 p.m. California time November 11, and the whole live stream is free! How does it get even better?
